got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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