dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
