Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
