That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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