Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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