awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
