I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Randomize