ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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