The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
