Soap is not a condiment
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
