smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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