Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
