Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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