I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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