just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
