Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
