I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
