i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize