I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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