I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
