He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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