my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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