Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
