the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
