If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
So much rum. So many feels.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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