So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
