Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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