I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
