You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
