The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
