Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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