what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
