So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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