dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I skipped work to stalk him.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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