The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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