If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Can't talk, ducks in the car
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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