it wasn't lemon gatorade
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
