Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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