It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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