you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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