I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
