I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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