You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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