There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
