pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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