Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
