It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
