Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
