I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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