i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
