Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
