New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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