Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
