it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
