Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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