My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
