my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She bit a glass in half.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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