i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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