Whatcha textin bout Willis?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
