im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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