you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
