Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
