Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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