theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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